hindsight

tonight I got out my journal to...well...journal. duh. I was going to copy down some scripture that had jumped out at me, when the pages turned as I picked it up, and I began to read my prayers from earlier this year.

my mouth quite literally dropped open as I read words I'd written from a silent retreat several months ago. I had prayed for direction. I had prayed for a change -- something to draw me closer to Him. I actually even asked if I needed to move. 

every year on that retreat, I have found myself on the same trail. and it boggles my mind the way God uses that trail every year to teach me something new. it's like He knows I learn well in parallels and analogies, and the symbolism of a path is just too good for my mind to pass up and He knows it. it's like He created me or something. weird.

as I read through the lessons God was teaching me on the trail this past time, I realized those lessons were for now. I had asked Him where I should go. where my future was taking me. and I had been frustrated because I didn't feel like I got answers. I felt like I was screaming at Him that I needed guidance, and what I got was a still small whisper. the whisper of "trust me, I am with you".

and at the time, that seemed rather frustrating. uhm...hello God. I am an action person. I like to take action to make things better. improve them. make something go from good to great. I was looking for an action item, something to cross off my list to make my life and purpose better.

but what I got was a "trust me", and a bunch of obstacles that made the path a little difficult to traverse.

and as moving looms closer and imminent change draws near, this hits a closer to home than it did in november. as co-workers announce their moving dates, that their homes have sold, and we discuss packing up our offices and shutting off our phones, my heart aches a little. calendar notices of "last marketing lunch" and "office farewell party" make it seem a little too real. a little too close.

I know He wanted me to find that in my journal tonight for comfort. I didn't know what was coming back in november. apparently it wasn't time for me to know. but God knew. and as I kicked the ground and felt cheated for not getting my answers, I can now see His purpose so clear.

moments like this touch me so deeply, because I don't think we always get to see His plans and reasons this side of eternity. bad things happen, pain occurs, we don't get answers, and we don't always get to know why. we don't always get to see what the bigger picture is, or why we can't know now, or what a heartbreak was for. but tonight, I think God nudged me to this finding in a way to show His love and grant me peace. and it has.

 He is so good. all the time. even when my world seems shaken and uneasy and unsure, and my head is full of unknowns and doubts. He is good.