Tuesday, August 30, 2011


I've been thinking a lot about disappointment. I'm disappointed - hurt, confused, frustrated and...well...disappointed! but this isn't the first time. and it won't be the last.

as humans, without even meaning to, we place expectations on things - situations, experiences, jobs, relationships. I play out the way I want things to go ahead of time, so why am I so surprised when I'm disappointed? this is life, after all, and Lord knows that the way I plan things out in life have never gone according to plan a. or plan b, c, or k.

and we are people. people who have human flaws and are not perfect. I mess up on a daily basis and often, even without knowing it, disappoint people, too.

we live in a broken world. a world where Satan is prince. how can there not be heartbreak, disappointment and pain?

if you are in any relationship that you have invested time, energy and your heart in, you will be disappointed at some point. nothing in this life is guaranteed. but that doesn't mean that we stop loving or investing ourselves in others. it just means that this isn't our real home.

the Son of God was disappointed by others. I'm sure when one of his followers turned Him in to be tortured and killed, it hurt. I'm sure that when He was crying out to His father in the garden of gethsemane and His closest friends kept falling asleep when they were supposed to be keeping watch, He was disappointed. disappointment doesn't discriminate. not in this world.

this isn't me having a debbie downer moment, this is simply a truth. the good news is that while there is pain, there is compassion. while there is hate, there is love. while we make mistakes, there is grace and forgiveness. and the best news is that it doesn't end here.

the lyrics of Laura Story's song, Blessings, say it beautifully:

"What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?"

So I'm disappointed, but that disappointment won't last through eternity. thank God.

Friday, August 26, 2011

words of wisdom

"people are always saying that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all...has happened."

10 points if you can name that movie.

I don't really necessarily believe this quote (per post a few days back about change being necessary), but I was thinking about all the things we say to people to comfort them when they're going through a rough time. you know those times where you get news that is less than wonderful and suddenly, everything gets a little blurry? your heart is racing or has stopped, you're not sure which, and you feel like you're falling. you're falling and you can't feel your legs and for a moment, nothing else matters. it's just you and that news. at which point, if I am comforting someone else, I don't what to say. this is typically when I just hug. just hug and hand tissues. because really, if it's me, nothing sounds good in this moment.

I know that there is a reason for everything we go through. I really do believe that God has a big plan and if I didn't get what I wanted, it was for the best. I believe that, but it still stings. it still hurts to know what you thought was best, was not best. especially when you can't see the "best" that is coming. and sometimes, I don't want to hear all that "there's a silver lining to this" crud. sure, there is a time to speak truth, but there is also a time where I would just like someone to say "wow...that really sucks right now. I believe it will get better, and that God has better plans, but there's no denying that you're going to have some pain to deal with. I'm sorry...I know that it just...sucks..." and then an offering to get ice cream or go on a walk or see a funny movie would suffice. or a giant hug (I like hugs) and allowing me to cry all over you would also be grand.

I'm going to try to remember this for other people....maybe they want the wise words, and sometimes I do, but sometimes I just want a friend who will hug me. and tell me it's ok that I'm snotting everywhere.

Thursday, August 25, 2011


even though I sometimes wish I was at my apt. relaxing, I really do love doing things and being around people that are not in my normal routine. more will probably come on that later, as I've thought a lot about that this week (first week of new classes for fall semester-woohoo!). however, I just felt the need to document this short blurp in my day.

while standing in line to buy A&P II notebook:

kid in front of me: "I'm taking math this semester. Ain't gone be hard, though. Math ain't done never been hard for me."

my horrible, judgmental mind (silently, of course): "english...however..."

but before I could fully form this thought -

kid in front of me: "english is rough, though. I'm no good at that."

there we have it. it was all I could do not to giggle out loud in the bookstore. I hope this does not make me a horrible person. in fact, this gentleman and I shared a common thought at the same moment! and I give him kudos for knowing his strong points and weak areas. seriously. that is a real man.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


a few thoughts on one incident from this evening...

earlier today at work, my super-safety-conscience company thought it would be a good idea for me to wear gloves while using a paper-cutter. it was a little counter-productive when it came to straightening the paper, etc., but I found it rather humorous. wouldn't want the safety police to be caught in a "safety flash" (all lingo from our very-safe company).

flash forward a few hours to me going on a lovely run outside in the beautiful weather. little did I know those gloves would've come in mega-handy for this excursion. that's right, this girl somehow managed to trip, fly through the air, somersault on the sidewalk, and land on her bum hugging her knees (mind you, I started out diving at the pavement). a scraped knee, shoulder (SHOULDER??! really? how did I manage that??), two bloody palms and three bloody knuckles later a car that saw this display of grace stopped to see if I was OK. all I could do was nod my head in shame and walk away. the rest of the way home, though, I couldn't stop laughing at myself. oh how I wish I could've seen me.

on this walk home, though, I was thinking about how quickly my train of thought changed in that situation. I was in a peaceful state, pondering life and my friend's upcoming wedding, and then the next thing I know I'm thinking "please don't break anything..." and "ouch". I was trying to remember exactly what I was thinking when I tripped, and then it came to me. I was making a list in my head (I do this often...think in lists) and this particular list was "I believe...." insert item/idea here. I will probably document this at a later date (i.e. I believe Jason's Deli's cookies have crack in them, etc.), but the thought I had just been thinking was "I believe Jesus Christ is the son of God and died for my sins" ...although I don't think that entire thought got completed, as somewhere around "son" I was flying through the air.

as christians, we say things a lot like "this is a stumbling block for me..." or "that sin is a stumbling block in my faith" yada yada. I couldn't help but think of the irony in that maybe this time, an actual stumbling block was a stumbling block to my having some good spiritual thoughts.

a little ironic, no?

Thursday, August 4, 2011


the more I grow up, the more I learn about myself. this probably seems like a very obvious statement, but it delights me. I like realizing things about me...it makes me more comfortable in my own skin.

I used to think I hated change. just talk of graduations, moving, last days at work, etc. could bring me to tears. I even get a little emotional when semesters change, a friend's pet dies or I have to change apartments in the same town. I mean, I've been known to cry when saying goodbye to old cars. but really...I think change and I have a love-hate relationship. change is hard. I mean the big kind this time - not the "getting a new car" kind. it can be gut-wrenching and painful and can tear us out of our comfort zones. it can be terrifying. it might mean we no longer have someone (or many someones) we love in our lives on a daily basis - whether they have passed away or are many miles away. but change can also mean growth. it can mean new relationships and experiences. it can mean the start of a new adventure. when I think of changes that were really hard to adjust to, I look at my life prior to that change and wonder what life would be like if I were still in that place. change is necessary - can the transition to college life be difficult? yes, but we can't stay in high school forever. was moving states away from home scary and lonely? yes, but I can see the figurative, not just literal, miles that were traveled from that change and I wouldn't choose to go back. indeed, change causes growth.

change may make me shake in my boots, cry every day for months, induce a miniature panic-attack or all of the above. however, the alternative is NOT changing. remaining stagnant. and while change is scary, not changing and not growing is even scarier.

hmm...who knew? maybe change and I can get along.

this doesn't mean we're BFFs, though. don't go getting all drastic.