sometimes I need to write just to get the swirling thoughts in my head out. in one organized place. in hopes that they will stop swirling and form some profound conclusion. and while this rarely, if ever, happens, I think it helps me in some small way.
so this is really for me.
tonight I went a run around my neighborhood. I'd been avoiding this a little. the place seemed to hold memories a little too recent that made me feel a little too giddy at the time. and since those memories didn't turn out the way I had hoped, I wasn't in a hurry to relive them. but tonight I felt brave.
I ran and ran, feeling fine. and when the oxygen was lacking and my body wanted to cave, I stopped to walk. I walked by the pond where he told me about his childhood and we joked about the wildlife and I teased him for things done as a silly boy. and we laughed and held hands and I breathed in the moment deeply. a portrait of happiness and hope.
I refocused on the day and its glory. what a wonderful day. sunshine and a temperature most perfect for soaking up the season. early fall at its finest. and then flooding in -- a realization of the time and date and plans. plans for a country concert outside. for wearing boots and getting gussied up with our dates. plans thwarted by a short and difficult conversation.
and for the first time in awhile, I felt sadness and pain well up from hopes deferred. I blinked back salty tears, stared blankly into the fountain.
I don't like crying in public.
but then I saw, in a blur of tears and the spouting water and sunshine, a mix of multi-colored stripes. a rainbow. the emblem of God's promises.
my promises are still valid, child. I keep my promises. I am still good, and I love you. I have better plans.
a still small voice. a still small reminder. that He's brought me so far and is always good.
He is good. His promises are good. and I believe He is a personal God who speaks to our hearts. our specific and individual hearts. He cares about our hurts and struggles, no matter how large or small.
He is good. always good.