transitions and tears

today I have been feeling particularly emotional about upcoming life transitions. and also reflective. and since writing is therapeutic for me in these times, here I am.

I've always had trouble with change. any large life transition is typically followed by tears and an aching in my heart for things to remain the same forever. graduation from high school and college were  nearly detrimental to my emotional state. and just when I thought I'd never have to go through that type of change again, here I am, almost four years later (ironically), staring it in the face.

when you know you're about to move from a place and people you love, every happy moment becomes bittersweet. the lovely memories you make start to take on a sharp sting, as if the universe is taunting you. this past month as I've laughed and talked and enjoyed the company of the people I have come to deeply know & love, I've struggled with how hard it will be on moving day to leave.

and this has made a part of me want to push away. stop making memories. wouldn't that be easier?

tonight as I cried to a friend about the difficulty of leaving, she pointed out that my pain was a good thing. I'm sorry, what? she pointed out that the fact I'm so torn up about leaving was a sign that I had spent my time here well. being sad about leaving is good. saying goodbye should be hard. otherwise, what have you been doing with your life?

connecting with people deeply is one of my favorite things about life. it reminds me most of Christ here on earth. and while it is wonderful in all of its glimpses into God's love for us, it also opens us up to heartache and makes us vulnerable. but I guess that's why it's beautiful. anything so spectacular and meaningful can't come without investment and risk, right?

goodbyes and change are hard for me because I love to connect with people. to invest and form deep and meaningful relationships. and while life circumstances are not always stable or guaranteed, I'm not going to stop just because I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I'd rather love deeply and hurt deeply than be disconnected and numb. I'm going to have to remind myself of that as I'm up to my elbows in tissues the next few months, but I'm standing by it.

Huntsville, Alabama, you are a very special place. I've called you home for four years, and you have truly been that -- my home. I could write a book about all that I've learned here, from life in the south, to being on my own, to lessons about myself. and I'm not ashamed to say that leaving you will be very, very hard.

a dose of perspective

today was kind of a lousy day. not the kind of bad day I know a lot of people have -- ones with sick family members or accidents or not having enough to eat -- but rather a 1st world, petty-ish kind of bad day.

an overwhelming sense of inadequacy at my job, coupled with a horrible day in the academic world, led to feeling like a pretty crappy person.

I often judge myself based on my performance at things, and sometimes based on others' reactions to me and the work I do, and I'm realizing this is not a good pattern. and not how God judges me (thankfully!)

as I was driving away from a super frustrating moment and feeling pretty downright disappointed in myself, I'm pretty sure God gave me a dose of perspective.

what meaning does all this have, Ashley? um...a lot. duh, God. this is my life. hellllooo!
really? the meaning of your life revolves around your job and school? will you remember this in a month? maybe!! especially if I fail a class! please. (sometimes my God voice is a little sarcastic/sassy).

when this life is over, will today matter? it won't. not the things that bothered me about it, anyway.

a man I work with had an accident this weekend. he is OK, but injured himself and is recovering at home. he sent an e-mail out telling what happened, and I'm pretty sure it was more cheery than 90% of the e-mails I send. he told us what happened, but then proceeded to tell us how it could have been worse. how grateful he was that it wasn't worse. what he learned from the experience.

this is a man who is always shining the light of Christ. so, of course, he would turn this seemingly cruddy situation into a glory for Him. what an example.

tonight at a Bible study I'm doing, this line hit me: God lets us see sparks of divine love in people.

I know this to be true by the kind of love I've been shown by friends and family. and I think seeing His love in other people's attitudes and actions (like said co-worker) is also a gift from Him.

today was not my favorite, but today isn't my life. today isn't my life's meaning. and God-willing, I have tomorrow to help be a spark of divine love.

a strong dose of nostalgia

lately I've been nostalgic. it happens quite a lot, actually, but even more so today...

this I almost got choked up thinking about video rental stores. do you remember these? of course you do, but in ten years I wonder if many people will. or maybe they will scratch their heads and give a delayed "yeahhhh!".

or maybe it will be the new way to determine how old someone is -- did you walk the halls of movie gallery and blockbuster? yes? woohoo! you win the over-30 prize. now please move on to discussing shows from your youth, including saved by the bell, full house, clarissa explains it all, fraggle rock, etc. etc.

earlier in the day I went to lunch and got into a conversation about 9/11. our first reactions, where we were, what that time in our lives was like and how we probably didn't get what all it meant in those moments. more memories came flooding back. more nostalgia.

and I felt myself drift back into my high school life. walking the halls of BHS....walking around all the aisles of movie gallery. watching the previews for new movies on the TVs as we tried to find the last copy of that new release. or trying to decide which scary movie looked the scariest. and then if we wanted skittles or mike & ikes at the counter when we checked out. and no, we didn't want insurance on our rental. and yes, we WILL rewind. promise.

these memories make me a little teary-eyed if I think on them long. because the little things end up being the things that memories really are made of -  the things that our lives are comprised of. and I am so very lucky enough to have a wonderful family and wonderful friends and such happy, happy memories.

and on top of all this nostalgia and almost an ache for the past, a conversation at dinner tonight put it all into perspective for me.

a friend of mine started talking about a child who a family at her church has kind of taken in. she was saying how the boy lately has just wanted to give up. he doesn't want to try at school or attempt to reach goals, he just wants to quit. because that is the example he's been given. that is what the men in his life do.

and it made me sad for him. and all the other children like him. and all the other people who might not find nostalgia wonderful. who might not like to look back on their childhood memories, because they're less than pleasant. because they don't involve trips to movie gallery or blockbuster.

yes, sometimes nostalgia makes my heart ache. today I wanted to be in bryan, ohio, going on a walk with my mom, eating a homemade dinner with my family, topped off by a special recipe pumpkin cookie from chief supermarket. I wanted to rent a movie with my friends and drink pop with a twizzler straw in megan's basement. I wanted to play cards and watch a disney movie so we could walk to our cars in the dark after foolishly watching "I still know what you did last summer". I wanted to go to a high school football game, go to pizza hut afterwards, and laugh until my belly hurt. and while all these things seem simple and childish, they are so absolutely amazing it's hard to put into words how much they mean to me.

and I wish everyone could have it.

rain

I work for an ag company, and thus, I have been acutely aware that most places are experiencing dry, drought-like conditions. and in case you were wondering, that's not good for our corn. or any crop, really.

people just keep talking about it. I keep hearing how badly we need rain. that this is not good.  plants look scorched and unnatural. it's pretty obvious -- we need rain.

and so, if you live in northern alabama, like me, you've noticed we've gotten some rain.but today as I ran to my car and my baby shower gift wrap got all wet, I wasn't a huge fan. I wasn't a huge fan when I sloshed through a giant puddle and got my socks drenched (seriously...is there much worse than wet socks?). I wasn't a huge fan when I couldn't run outside and enjoy the evening. I was feeling downright grumpy about the darn rain.

and then I remembered how we needed the rain.

the rain makes things grow.

but that doesn't mean I always like it.

as I drew this comparison in my head I felt I'd learned yet another lesson in year 25 (has anyone else experienced crazy lessons/thoughts/almost maturity at this age?).

in life, I am content to have it be sunny every day. actually, I prefer it that way. I want it to be nice and pretty and God-forbid if something inconveniences me. I don't want to have to deal with the rain. I don't want to have to avoid puddles and dry things off and deal with wet socks. (do I sound like I'm 5 yet? maybe I take back that maturity comment earlier...)

but yet, without the rain, we shrivel. we die. we don't yield as well as we would have with rain. we don't bear good, quality fruit. we need the rain to grow. as much as I hate it.

without the rain -- the hard times of life...the tears, heartbreak, loss, etc. -- we get used to the sun. we take it for granted and forget what it's like to deal with wet socks. to deal with difficulty and pain and suffering. forget what it's like to have to deal with the bottom of your pants being wet for what seems like forever (I can't stress how much I dislike that!).

maybe rain and shine show us the meaning of grace. maybe if we didn't know rain, we couldn't fully appreciate the son.

cause I guarantee you the next sunny day we have, I'm going outside.

whilst drying my hair this morning, the thought crossed my mind that I haven't read the good women project in a good long while. I'm fairly certain that thought was divinely inspired. the current topic they are tackling is close to my heart right now, and I quickly stumbled upon two articles I needed to read...
I'm done running and 10 things I learned about burnout and missing out.

I love it when God uses his followers -- even ones I have never met -- to encourage and teach me.

happy thursday!

ruth, boaz and a sprig of adventure

so...I'm doing this beyond awesome study of the book of ruth by miss kelly minter. if you haven't ever  done a study by her (like me before this one!), I highly recommend it. I'd try to explain why it's so awesome, but I'm not sure I can capture it, so just trust me. kelly. pretty fab.

know what else is pretty fab? the book of ruth. in studying the past week, I came across a few points that were quite convicting, exciting and scary at all the same time. kelly is discussing two characters in ruth who do not steal the show. if this were a television episode, they'd be "also featured" in the subtitles or maybe even unnamed as "boy 1" or "waitress 3". actually, one of these characters really isn't given a name! kelly is talking about orpah and the other possible kinsman redeemer for ruth.

these two characters do absolutely nothing wrong in this story. in fact, their actions are very similar to what I probably would have done in the situations they were in. one (orpah) was trying to be dedicated to her stepmother (naomi), but after much persuasion on naomi's part, orpah decided to stay in Moab (her home, by the way). the other (bachelor number 2, or other possible kinsman redeemer if you will), made the decision not to take on another wife and all the implications that would come with that for his family. he wasn't obligated to marry ruth, and another man was offering to do it if he did not, so he did not.

these both seem like logical, normal decisions to me. decisions I could easily make. decisions I could easily be talked into by friends or family if the scenarios were true for my own life (and if polygamy and all that jazz was really still around...don't even bring up sister wives...).

but yet, as kelly points out, these two are not the ones that the story is about. these are not the ones who are famous in the Bible, or used as examples of God's love and devotion to us. instead, ruth and boaz are the ones who did the unlikely and the unnatural or illogical. and the story is all about them.

to steal kelly's line -- they chose sacrifice and love, while the others chose safety.


yow. that stings a bit. and sounds a bit too familiar.

kelly goes on to discuss the three qualifications for a kinsman redeemer: they had to be near kin, able to redeem, and willing to redeem. (if you're not familiar with what a kinsman redeemer is, don't worry, I wasn't either. once again, I highly recommend kelly's study. or you could find it in the Bible. or google).

 the point is...the other possible redeemer had the first two qualities, but was not willing. and I wonder if that's a large problem in my own life. am I near people I could be helping? am I able to help them? to give them what they need? the answer to both of these is most likely yes. the third? well...that one is a little more tricky. kelly discusses this issue:


And isn't it this third element that often ends up being our downfall? We're able, but so often we're just not willing. This may be one of the most tragic ways for a Christian to spend her life: in the right place with all the right resources but without a willing heart.


she goes on later in the study (on the same day, ps...it was a rough, convicting day) to say this...

I used to be afraid of dedicating my life to the Lord, certain that He would seize this small window of opportunity to make my life extraordinarily hard...But I am more convinced than ever that it is not yielding my life to the Lord that is the truly awful and frightful place. I long to live the full, adventurous, and impacting life that God desires for me to live.


I, too, long for this. reading this reminded me of old desires and a passion was stirred. I pray that God would make me willing. I pray He'd show me how he can use me. how He wants to use me. if I would only be willing.

I pray for the courage to not choose the logical or normal. to not fear man. but to fear God. and to be willing.

sometimes I wonder how other adults seemingly have their lives figured out and how they function so maturely. sometimes I wonder how people who are my age can be married, in stable careers, and have children. sometimes I feel I can barely handle the responsibility to keep myself and a cat alive, let alone being responsible for other people. and sometimes I just really feel like I'm still in junior high, feeling uncool and the last kid chosen for dodgeball.

do you ever have times where you are so aware of your humanity? all your insecurities and past struggles surface, or you feel like everything you touch goes to ruin?

I was recently with some of my favorite friends, and whilst sitting and chatting, one girl paid me a compliment. it was something simple -- she stated she liked my hair color (it's a smidge darker than it used to be). I, in turn, rambled on about how I had dyed it, so it wouldn't last this way for long, and that of course it would wash out because I am afraid of commitment after all. upon finishing this little rant, my friend stared at me and said "I forgot ashley can't take compliments". boom.

we laughed about this comment and I have since come to realize it's true. and also, that when someone pays me a compliment, I tend to doubt its truthfulness or sincerity.

I'm not sure where this insecurity comes from, but I've recently realized it's still there -- just as real as junior high. I thought it was one of those things that would dissipate with age, a college degree, a good job. and I wonder how many other "adults" still struggle. how many other adults feel left out or undesirable or uncool, even when they're 40 or 50 or 60.

and this makes me all the more sure that security and value can never come from anything we obtain in this world. it can only come from our Creator. only comes from the love of our Savior. and it's a lesson that just might take a lifetime to learn, but it is truth.

things I'm thankful for: loving parents, the fact that I don't wonder where my next meal is coming from, sweat pants.