tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58156792801502151412024-03-12T15:57:44.820-07:00Little somethings...that make up a lifeashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.comBlogger88125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-79375552316239284372014-09-14T19:55:00.001-07:002014-09-14T19:55:41.815-07:00always good. sometimes I need to write just to get the swirling thoughts in my head out. in one organized place. in hopes that they will stop swirling and form some profound conclusion. and while this rarely, if ever, happens, I think it helps me in some small way.<br />
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so this is really for me.<br />
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tonight I went a run around my neighborhood. I'd been avoiding this a little. the place seemed to hold memories a little too recent that made me feel a little too giddy at the time. and since those memories didn't turn out the way I had hoped, I wasn't in a hurry to relive them. but tonight I felt brave.<br />
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I ran and ran, feeling fine. and when the oxygen was lacking and my body wanted to cave, I stopped to walk. I walked by the pond where he told me about his childhood and we joked about the wildlife and I teased him for things done as a silly boy. and we laughed and held hands and I breathed in the moment deeply. a portrait of happiness and hope.<br />
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I refocused on the day and its glory. what a wonderful day. sunshine and a temperature most perfect for soaking up the season. early fall at its finest. and then flooding in -- a realization of the time and date and plans. plans for a country concert outside. for wearing boots and getting gussied up with our dates. plans thwarted by a short and difficult conversation.<br />
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and for the first time in awhile, I felt sadness and pain well up from hopes deferred. I blinked back salty tears, stared blankly into the fountain.<br />
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I don't like crying in public.<br />
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but then I saw, in a blur of tears and the spouting water and sunshine, a mix of multi-colored stripes. a rainbow. the emblem of God's promises.<br />
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<i>my promises are still valid, child. I keep my promises. I am still good, and I love you. I have better plans. </i><br />
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a still small voice. a still small reminder. that He's brought me so far and is always good.<br />
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He is good. His promises are good. and I believe He is a personal God who speaks to our hearts. our specific and individual hearts. He cares about our hurts and struggles, no matter how large or small.<br />
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He is good. always good.<br />
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<i><br /></i>ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-46852128219386745122014-03-07T22:42:00.000-08:002014-03-07T22:42:14.051-08:00lessons & learning I turned another year older this week. birthdays never really seem to affect me too much -- I feel loved on by the wonderful people in my life for 24 hours, and then it's back to life as we know it. but because I feel like I've been struggling and growing and learning this year, I thought I would reflect a little and capture those thoughts. <br />
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I've learned that change is constant. that no matter how much I wish I could keep things the same forever, they will always be changing. and I can't control it, so I should learn to embrace it. and take the journey with God. who else better to be traveling with? <br />
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I've learned all experiences are different. moving to Alabama and moving to Columbus were completely different journeys. see above. different is different. it's not bad vs. good. <br />
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I've learned you have to ask for what you want and communicate what you need. people won't read your mind. even if you think it's obvious, it's probably not. be bold. be honest. be brave. <br />
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I've also learned you have to say no. have to set boundaries. I've been learning this awhile now, but it keeps coming up in new ways and new situations. you teach people how to treat you. <br />
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I've learned you can only control how you react/act in a situation. I can't control others, and I also shouldn't let their actions/reactions affect me.<br />
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I've learned that people won't always give you the same courtesy and respect you give them. this doesn't mean you shouldn't give it anyway. <br />
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I've learned how to be more honest and open and put it all out there. because...why not? you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. and I've learned you won't always get the response you want. in fact, the response might lay you flat. or you might get no response at all. this is the most heartbreaking. but you will walk away knowing you said what you needed to, did what you could, and have no regrets about the situation on your end. this will help you heal. <br />
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I've learned your closest friends don't always live in the same city. that transitions can be painful and lonely and leave empty spaces. I think this is normal. how you choose to fill those empty spaces is what's important. <br />
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I am by no means an expert and am still learning the above lessons. if you have any wisdom, shoot it my way. here's to another year of learning. <br />
ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-34919985151527221272014-01-04T11:20:00.002-08:002014-01-04T11:20:24.315-08:00rememberingI think it's important to reflect on memories every once in awhile. especially when it's time to say goodbye. and while this of course always makes me cry, it's a good cry. the kind of cry that is cleansing and therapeutic. the kind of cries that you crave sometimes. <div>
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my grandmother passed away this week. she was 100, so it wasn't tragic or shocking, but it has caused me to slow down and reflect. remember. </div>
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she was a beautiful person. the kind of person that doesn't have a selfish bone in her body. the kind of person who is always smiling and lighthearted, no matter her circumstances. we had a wonderful visit with her at Christmas, and while she couldn't remember necessarily what she'd done the day before or had for lunch, she sat and laughed and talked with us. she giggled at her great-granddaughter, stumbling around and playing peekaboo behind the folding chair. she ate one of the buckeyes we brought her, because she is a female in our family, and we all get our sweet tooth from her. and when you're 100, you certainly don't need to watch what you eat. </div>
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we used to visit her out in deshler when we were younger. she lived in the country on a farm, and my sister and I loved playing outside there with all that space. on one specific visit, grandma took us outside, and peered behind one of her bushes to reveal several adorable newborn kittens. oh how my heart filled with glee! she smiled at us as we picked them up and they clung to us with their tiny claws. a few months later, they had grown and could now run (...from us...I can't imagine why...). Em and I were so proud to have cornered one in the barn. looking back, we probably terrified the poor little thing. I remember just wanting to hold its fluffy little self -- we had the best intentions! </div>
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grandma still had the dolls my mother and aunt played with as children, and Em and I always wanted to play with these. we'd sneak into the cold guest room and dig them out of the closet, bringing them out into the warmth of the living room to brush their hair. </div>
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every Christmas, grandma got sheets of stick-on earrings. heart-shaped and glittery and sometimes, if we were really lucky, princesses. oh how I hated when my sheet ran out. </div>
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then we'd all sit around the kitchen table as mom gave grandma a permanent, getting cookies & those delicious sugary wafers from the cellar. once the rollers were in, we could play cards. grandma was a card shark and never "let" us win. she'd always somehow get the best cards and just grin as she racked up the points. "can I be grandma's partner in euchre next, please?" it felt like Em and I always lost. nothing that more sugar wafers couldn't fix, though. </div>
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we had a party for grandma this past October to celebrate her 100th birthday. she smiled and greeted everyone, ate cake, and told us that she didn't need "all this fuss". </div>
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I will say my final goodbye to her, my last grandparent, on Wednesday. but I know she is happy and free and doesn't have to struggle to remember anymore. and I am thankful to have known her. thankful to her for raising such a loving and selfless daughter to be my mother. God is good. all the time. and she is up there with Him, now. </div>
ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-18732481728745879982013-12-12T19:43:00.003-08:002013-12-12T19:43:55.391-08:00adventit's advent season. the season characterized specifically by waiting....<br />
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by nature, I'm not a patient person. I hate traffic and lines and thinking way far ahead into the future.<br />
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but I suppose advent is a different kind of waiting. waiting with joyful anticipation of celebrating something wonderful and beautiful and well...the most important thing!<br />
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I heard once that most women don't like surprises, because they enjoy the exciting anticipation of looking forward to things. I get that. perhaps that is a small taste of the joy in our advent.<br />
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as people sing Christmas carols and stores are crazy crowded and people bake cookies, I think of a dear coworker in great pain in this season. she's in the midst of saying goodbye to one of those amazing friends that is, actually, 100% family. and it seems cruel and unfair and just doesn't make sense that her life be taken all too soon. away from her friends. her family. her husband and 6 year old son.<br />
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she said today, face streaming with tears, she didn't know how to say goodbye. said she felt bad for bringing everyone down at this time of year that's supposed to be filled with cheer. I told her that was ridiculous and to not think such things.<br />
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and then I got to thinking about the anticipation of advent and waiting for Christmas. waiting for our king. waiting for <b><i>redemption</i></b>. <b><i>sacrifice. love. grace. mercy. </i></b><br />
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human pain and grief that doesn't make sense seems to make perfect sense, in all actuality, in this season. Christ was born into this broken, fallen world because of this pain and heartache and mess. He was born -- He, being the embodiment of perfect love and <b><i>hope</i></b>.<br />
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<b><i>hope </i></b>that we need in midst of heartache and pain. the kind that brings us to our knees. crying out because we don't understand why life isn't fair. why we have to lose the ones closest to us. the ones we love. in the midst of this...in this advent season, and always, there is <b><i>hope</i></b>. all is not lost. we have the biggest treasure that isn't on this earth. our pain is but temporary<b>. </b><i><b>death has lost its sting, for the battle is already won.</b> </i><br />
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<i>happy advent. </i><br />
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<br />ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-30054793119151110932013-11-14T20:30:00.000-08:002013-11-14T20:30:03.036-08:00thoughts on painhave you been in a place where pain seemed to linger? or rather, caught you off guard at random moments throughout the day? like suddenly, the feeling sweeps over you and you can't breathe.<div>
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I was "boogie boarding" on vacation one time as a kid, and a wave crashed down suddenly, smashing me down onto my board. I remember that feeling so vividly. the wind was knocked out of me and I couldn't breathe or comprehend anything. I couldn't remember what it felt like to feel normal. <div>
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sometimes heartaches can feel like that. </div>
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as I have walked through this season, I have thought of "what if's" and "if I hadn't" and regrets and wishes and wonderings. </div>
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and tonight as I came home and had conversation with a few dear friends who are also walking through forms of heartache, I felt a strange peace and calm and joy. I felt the fruits of the Spirit. I felt comforted in knowing that I was not alone. that we all feel pain. that it's so very....<i><b>human</b></i>. </div>
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I think there is something beautiful about sharing our battle scars. the things that have shaped us, taught us lessons, and made us relate-able. able to connect with one another. able to see God through the healing. because while He closes the wound, it's not quite the same. there's something different. something that's caused us be formed into who He wants us to be. </div>
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I firmly believe that He can make all things work together for His purpose. I don't think everything happens for a reason, necessarily. I think that evil occurs and things happen that He wishes didn't. but in all things, I think there can be redemption. a story of some good. and that is why I will be thankful for painful seasons. </div>
ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-20950307333000146882013-11-10T16:50:00.000-08:002013-11-10T16:50:36.397-08:00thankfulness and choosing betterI just got home from a long trip to visit a dear friend. and while I don't mind driving long distances, the drive home proved to be a little rough. in struggling with several things currently, I found myself fixated and hurting. it made for a rather long 10.5 hour drive. <div>
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and as I got home I felt the rush of emotion sweep over me and I began yelling at God. have you ever done this? it seems so silly to me to even say it, because really...me, this tiny ant/speck in the ENTIRE universe, is screaming at its creator. at the creator of the world. at the one who has full power over EVERYTHING. and I'm yelling. at him. smaaaart. </div>
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now, I've calmed down a little and am reflecting on thankfulness and choices. while at my sweet friend's house this weekend, I noticed she had small magnets with handwritten notes on them on her refrigerator. she had made a wall of thankfulness -- listing out all the things she was thankful for in this season of life. she informed me that thankful people are more self-compassionate (something we both struggle with) and happy/healthy. </div>
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as I drove home, I talked to a few friends who always give me some good perspective. and as I told a heartache with my one friend, she encouraged me not to settle. to hold on to my faith and trust God has good in store for me. why am I always reaching for good enough for when He has great? </div>
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and I thought about my last few weeks. how I've tried to get up early to spend time with God and start my days off right. a grand plan, but something this non-morning person is not so great at actually carrying out. until my kind friend at work encouraged me, even telling me she'd buy me a donut if I succeeded. needless to say, I got up early last week. </div>
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all of these jumbled thoughts concluded to this: I am thankful for the people in my life that encourage me to <i>choose better. </i>my good friend, jenna, uses this phrase and it just seems right in this stage of life. I must learn to choose better. but sometimes it is hard, and I need encouragement. accountability. a little nudge. and just when I think God has abandoned me in a city I'm not used to without my support system, I see that He has not. that support can be long distance. or in the office. or on the other end of the phone. </div>
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I want to choose better. I <i>will</i> choose better. sometimes this is hard. sometimes, I really want to just eat candy for dinner. but in the long run, it will make me sick. sometimes, I want to talk to someone who tells me nice things. and makes me feel worthwhile in the moment. but in the long run, is it healthy? does it leave me crying for 10.5 hours on the way home? if so, maybe I should <i>choose better</i>. </div>
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this week I vow to choose better. to spend more time with Him, to be healthier, to guard my heart, and to be thankful. </div>
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ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-65613589216963859012013-11-06T20:00:00.002-08:002013-11-06T20:00:44.852-08:00potatoesif you live in cubicle world like I do, you know about office communicator. sometimes used for conference call comments (what'd she say? I zoned out...), important work questions (can you send me...), and of course some good old-fashioned humor to get you through the day.<br />
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when my IM starts blinking, I typically expect one of these three items. typically, for real, they are work comments or questions, but there's also the random:: "there's pie in the breakroom. and I want it. at 9 am."<br />
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however, the other day I got an IM that truly knocked my socks off. one of my coworkers uses a thesaurus a lot at work. she writes a lot, and it's her thing (seriously -- giant thesaurus and dictionary sprawled across her desk at all times). she sent me a note that said: "sometimes I get completely distracted by the thesaurus".<br />
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I was thinking..surely she'll explain. and she did. she followed it with: "sometimes a word will jump out at me. and if it jumps out several times as I'm looking for something else, I'm pretty sure it's a sign. like the way scripture can jump out at you just like you were intended to read it in that very moment."<br />
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hm...ok, I'm tracking.<br />
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then she just typed: "small potato".<br />
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me: "what? small potato?"<br />
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her: "yes! small potato. I just saw it 3 times. like I am worrying about things that are just small potatoes."<br />
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mind. blown.<br />
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I totally believe that the all powerful man upstairs communications in various ways. and I totally believe that he can choose to communicate through a thesaurus. and also, through a thesaurus-loving co-worker.<br />
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small potatoes. how many things that stress me out, wreck my world, consume my thoughts are small potatoes that won't matter in a month or three or five? SO many. SO SO many. most, actually.<br />
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and as I continued to think about it tonight, I thought about my view of what a small potato is. you see, I'm in a particularly un-thankful season. I haven't felt grateful for much lately. I have focused on what I don't have: a routine here, my close friends, my family, plans a lot of the time. I miss so much about where I was. I miss the people and the routine and MY LIFE. and then I realized that when I was there, all those things <b><i>seemed </i></b>like small potatoes. they were a given, so I wasn't jumping up and down in excitement for them.<br />
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and now that I don't seem to have them, I feel likely I would do a jig if I did.<br />
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so tonight, I'm thinking about the things I take for granted. the health of those I hold dear. my wonderful family and friends, even though they don't all live close by. my job, which I often am not grateful for, but is truly a place I enjoy going (thanks awesome coworkers!). food in my belly. my health. the friends from college who live here and I love seeing, etc. etc.<br />
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because the truth is, if I lost any of these things, they would no longer be small potatoes. the absence of these amazing things would leave a large large LARGE potato gap.<br />
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so, I will thank God for the large potatoes in my life. I will ask He continues to give me discernment on which kind of potato is which, and thank him for IMing coworkers who read their thesaurus.<br />
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<br />ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-66465221362594303112013-11-04T18:34:00.002-08:002013-11-04T18:34:43.442-08:00messesmesses. who likes them? I'm pretty sure no one. they might be fun to make. ok, they are typically very fun to make. but cleaning up? that's certainly a drag.<div>
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I may not be the most organized, clean person, but I still don't like messes. </div>
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I've been praying since I moved that God would use me. that I would find a place where I could serve. that I could be a witness and a valuable member of God's kingdom. and yet, I haven't found a place quite yet. </div>
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or at least I didn't think I had. </div>
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I wanted this to fit into a nice, neat box. volunteering every Tuesday night at a homeless shelter, inner city, habitat, hospital, etc. -- surely that was the way to go. and while I'm not saying it's not, I haven't found that specific opportunity yet. rather, something else: life.</div>
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situations have surfaced around me that I've shied away from. a friend went MIA for awhile, and I heard he was in rehab. rehab??! what?! no way. he surfaced today and my first reaction was avoidance. I didn't know how to react. how awkward. </div>
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then I started thinking about the bravery it takes to admit that something is wrong in your life. to admit you have a problem and to take steps to fix it. to publicly admit that you need help and then COME BACK to face everyone who knows. WHOA. how courageous! how strong! how amazing! at this eye-opening realization, I almost wept. and wanted to welcome this person with a hug. and love. and acceptance. and happiness. I felt a little bit of what the father might have felt with the prodigal son. maybe just a hint. </div>
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isn't that a little messy? </div>
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another one of my friends from the past is believed to be gay and wants to get together (we haven't talked in what feels like forever). my initial reaction was to ignore. this is clearly not a situation I need to be in. this is messy! it will surely be awkward. I'll just ignore. who cares? </div>
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but then I thought about Jesus. and it gnawed at me. would Jesus ignore someone reaching out because of a sin? no way! Jesus would seek them out to hang out. come over to my place. let's be friends. </div>
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Jesus embraces messes. and a good thing, too, because I'm a mess! I'm so thankful God doesn't ignore me. </div>
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when life gets a little scary, and awkward, and...well...messy -- I have to turn to the Word for perspective. my instincts and the world may tell me to back away from messes, but Jesus always embraces. and as a mess myself, I am ever thankful. </div>
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ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-64443872010355126402013-10-02T20:20:00.004-07:002013-10-02T20:20:50.396-07:00seasonsI love the imagery of seasons. the way the physical, earthly seasons parallel our physical, early seasons in life.<br />
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seasons are fascinating and difficult and beautiful. when you're in the heart of one season, it seems like it will never change. think about it: when you're building a snowman or sweating balls in the heat of summer, are you thinking about how the next season is coming? I surely am not.<br />
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about four years ago, a wise friend told me in a particularly rough season: "ash, you're just in a season. season's change."<br />
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in that moment, I wanted to thump her on the head. I was in Siberia, and she was telling me Hawaii was around the corner. I couldn't see past the snow and cold. it felt like it would surely last forever. in my mind, Hawaii didn't even exist.<br />
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and then a funny thing happened. I can't put my finger on when exactly, but I woke up one day to find lush, beautiful greenery covering my life. somehow, the cold had left and been replaced by warmth and fellowship and deep joy. my season had changed. in the same way it doesn't go from 30 F to 90 F overnight, it was a transition I can't quite pinpoint, but it was beautiful and wonderful and awe-inspiring. I remember thinking to myself, "ye of little faith. God provides. and seasons DO change. don't doubt again."<br />
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but it's hard to remember the spring when you're in fall.<br />
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and as I find myself in a particularly challenging, confusing, sometimes painful and lonely season, I am reminded of His promises. and His goodness. and that His plans don't revolve around just my life or my happiness. there's a bigger picture.<br />
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seasons change, and from the ground, new life occurs. as good ol gungor says:<br />
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all around hope is springing up from this old ground<br />
out of chaos life is being found in You<br />
you make beautiful things out of the dust<br />
you make beautiful things out of us.<br />
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I suppose no matter what season we're in, it's going to change. it's the nature of life; the nature of nature. but God is good. and the final, everlasting season is life. beautiful, abundant life.<br />
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<br />ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-2069239983321340582013-06-24T20:57:00.000-07:002013-06-24T20:57:35.414-07:00leavingthe calendar days are slowing diminishing, and sometimes this hits me like a wall. a wave of emotion and fear and sadness and disbelief all mingle and crash over my consciousness. it's been building up, but I've put it on the back shelf of my mind, right behind my five year plan and what I'm going to do when I grow up.<br />
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moving has become something I've been able to deal with from a distance. but distance is creeping closer.<br />
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tonight the wave hit and a thousand thoughts rushed in all at once. I think of when I moved here. how I cried daily at the loss of the familiar. I missed my family, my friends, everything I'd known my whole life. and now I cry for the things I've gained since being here, things I can't imagine my life without. that my best friends won't be there to giggle or tease me every time I order a pop. that snow will actually occur without the whole world shutting down. that sweet tea won't be a staple at every restaurant, people will probably stare when I say y'all, and I won't be able to sing along quite as loudly to sweet home alabama.<br />
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I cry for the things that alabama means to me. for a proof that I can survive on my own, away from my parents. for a real-life adventure, a leap of faith. for answered prayers and truth-speaking friends and a first job. I've learned what feels like a lifetime of lessons here -- how to say no, truths about myself, the rewards of stepping out of my comfort zone, so much about the Lord and my journey with Him.<br />
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as coworkers ask when I'm moving, I can't bring myself to answer. and it seems that I'm not leaving as much as everyone else -- no kids to pry away from friends, and moving closer to family! clearly I should be nothing but thrilled. (and this is not to say that I don't love my family and friends in ohio -- I do, dearly!)<br />
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but they don't see that the people I leave behind have been my family here. the ones who've held me through heartbreak, through death in the family, through broken-in apartments and big life decisions. the ones who've talked me through and loved me through mistakes, spoken truth to me. prayed with me. laughed with me. cried with me. took on new adventures and challenges with me. traveled, ate fro yo, went to midnight premieres with me. walked through life with me.<br />
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because when you're in your 20's and not married, your friends are your family.<br />
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and my family has been incredible.ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-47144356774930464172013-06-05T21:25:00.003-07:002013-06-05T21:25:39.314-07:00hindsighttonight I got out my journal to...well...journal. duh. I was going to copy down some scripture that had jumped out at me, when the pages turned as I picked it up, and I began to read my prayers from earlier this year.<br />
<br />
my mouth quite literally dropped open as I read words I'd written from a silent retreat several months ago. I had prayed for direction. I had prayed for a change -- something to draw me closer to Him. <b><i>I actually even asked if I needed to move</i>. </b><br />
<br />
every year on that retreat, I have found myself on the same trail. and it boggles my mind the way God uses that trail every year to teach me something new. it's like He knows I learn well in parallels and analogies, and the symbolism of a path is just too good for my mind to pass up and He knows it. it's like He created me or something. weird.<br />
<br />
as I read through the lessons God was teaching me on the trail this past time, I realized those lessons were for now. I had asked Him where I should go. where my future was taking me. and I had been frustrated because I didn't feel like I got answers. I felt like I was screaming at Him that I needed guidance, and what I got was a still small whisper. the whisper of "trust me, I am with you".<br />
<br />
and at the time, that seemed rather frustrating.<i> uhm...hello God. I am an action person.</i> I like to take action to make things better. improve them. make something go from good to great. I was looking for an action item, something to cross off my list to make my life and purpose better.<br />
<br />
but what I got was a "trust me", and a bunch of obstacles that made the path a little difficult to traverse.<br />
<br />
and as moving looms closer and imminent change draws near, this hits a closer to home than it did in november. as co-workers announce their moving dates, that their homes have sold, and we discuss packing up our offices and shutting off our phones, my heart aches a little. calendar notices of "last marketing lunch" and "office farewell party" make it seem a little too real. a little too close.<br />
<br />
I know He wanted me to find that in my journal tonight for comfort. I didn't know what was coming back in november. apparently it wasn't time for me to know. but God knew. and as I kicked the ground and felt cheated for not getting my answers, I can now see His purpose so clear.<br />
<br />
moments like this touch me so deeply, because I don't think we always get to see His plans and reasons this side of eternity. bad things happen, pain occurs, we don't get answers, and we don't always get to know why. we don't always get to see what the bigger picture is, or why we can't know now, or what a heartbreak was for. but tonight, I think God nudged me to this finding in a way to show His love and grant me peace. and it has.<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;"> He is so good. all the time. </i>even when my world seems shaken and uneasy and unsure, and my head is full of unknowns and doubts. <b>He is good. </b><br />
<br />
<br />ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-34782499423507717912013-05-19T20:58:00.000-07:002013-05-19T20:58:27.872-07:00transitions and tearstoday I have been feeling particularly emotional about upcoming life transitions. and also reflective. and since writing is therapeutic for me in these times, here I am.<br />
<br />
I've always had trouble with change. any large life transition is typically followed by tears and an aching in my heart for things to remain the same forever. graduation from high school and college were nearly detrimental to my emotional state. and just when I thought I'd never have to go through that type of change again, here I am, almost four years later (ironically), staring it in the face.<br />
<br />
when you know you're about to move from a place and people you love, every happy moment becomes bittersweet. the lovely memories you make start to take on a sharp sting, as if the universe is taunting you. this past month as I've laughed and talked and enjoyed the company of the people I have come to deeply know & love, I've struggled with how hard it will be on moving day to leave.<br />
<br />
and this has made a part of me want to push away. stop making memories. wouldn't that be easier?<br />
<br />
tonight as I cried to a friend about the difficulty of leaving, she pointed out that my pain was a good thing. <i>I'm sorry, what? </i>she pointed out that the fact I'm so torn up about leaving was a sign that I had spent my time here well. being sad about leaving is good. saying goodbye <i>should </i>be hard. otherwise, what have you been doing with your life?<br />
<br />
connecting with people deeply is one of my favorite things about life. it reminds me most of Christ here on earth. and while it is wonderful in all of its glimpses into God's love for us, it also opens us up to heartache and makes us vulnerable. but I guess that's why it's beautiful. anything so spectacular and meaningful can't come without investment and risk, right?<br />
<br />
goodbyes and change are hard for me because I love to connect with people. to invest and form deep and meaningful relationships. and while life circumstances are not always stable or guaranteed, I'm not going to stop just because I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I'd rather love deeply and hurt deeply than be disconnected and numb. I'm going to have to remind myself of that as I'm up to my elbows in tissues the next few months, but I'm standing by it.<br />
<br />
Huntsville, Alabama, you are a very special place. I've called you home for four years, and you have truly been that -- my home. I could write a book about all that I've learned here, from life in the south, to being on my own, to lessons about myself. and I'm not ashamed to say that leaving you will be very, very hard.<br />
<br />
<br />ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-48454968395694167142012-09-17T19:53:00.000-07:002012-09-17T19:53:51.020-07:00a dose of perspectivetoday was kind of a lousy day. not the kind of bad day I know a lot of people have -- ones with sick family members or accidents or not having enough to eat -- but rather a 1st world, petty-ish kind of bad day.<br />
<br />
an overwhelming sense of inadequacy at my job, coupled with a horrible day in the academic world, led to feeling like a pretty crappy person.<br />
<br />
I often judge myself based on my performance at things, and sometimes based on others' reactions to me and the work I do, and I'm realizing this is not a good pattern. and not how God judges me (thankfully!)<br />
<br />
as I was driving away from a super frustrating moment and feeling pretty downright disappointed in myself, I'm pretty sure God gave me a dose of perspective.<br />
<br />
<i>what meaning does all this have, Ashley?</i> um...a lot. duh, God. this is my life. hellllooo!<br />
<i>really? the meaning of your life revolves around your job and school? will you remember this in a month? </i>maybe!! especially if I fail a class! <i>please.</i> (sometimes my God voice is a little sarcastic/sassy).<br />
<br />
when this life is over, will today matter? it won't. not the things that bothered me about it, anyway.<br />
<br />
a man I work with had an accident this weekend. he is OK, but injured himself and is recovering at home. he sent an e-mail out telling what happened, and I'm pretty sure it was more cheery than 90% of the e-mails I send. he told us what happened, but then proceeded to tell us how it could have been worse. how grateful he was that it wasn't worse. what he learned from the experience.<br />
<br />
this is a man who is always shining the light of Christ. so, of course, he would turn this seemingly cruddy situation into a glory for Him. what an example.<br />
<br />
tonight at a Bible study I'm doing, this line hit me: God lets us see sparks of divine love in people.<br />
<br />
I know this to be true by the kind of love I've been shown by friends and family. and I think seeing His love in other people's attitudes and actions (like said co-worker) is also a gift from Him.<br />
<br />
today was not my favorite, but today isn't my life. today isn't my life's meaning. and God-willing, I have tomorrow to help be a spark of divine love.<br />
<br />
<br />ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-39028133412167638032012-09-14T21:59:00.000-07:002012-09-14T21:59:12.139-07:00a strong dose of nostalgialately I've been nostalgic. it happens quite a lot, actually, but even more so today...<br />
<br />
this I almost got choked up thinking about video rental stores. do you remember these? of course you do, but in ten years I wonder if many people will. or maybe they will scratch their heads and give a delayed "yeahhhh!".<br />
<br />
or maybe it will be the new way to determine how old someone is -- did you walk the halls of movie gallery and blockbuster? yes? woohoo! you win the over-30 prize. now please move on to discussing shows from your youth, including saved by the bell, full house, clarissa explains it all, fraggle rock, etc. etc.<br />
<br />
earlier in the day I went to lunch and got into a conversation about 9/11. our first reactions, where we were, what that time in our lives was like and how we probably didn't get what all it meant in those moments. more memories came flooding back. more nostalgia.<br />
<br />
and I felt myself drift back into my high school life. walking the halls of BHS....walking around all the aisles of movie gallery. watching the previews for new movies on the TVs as we tried to find the last copy of that new release. or trying to decide which scary movie looked the scariest. and then if we wanted skittles or mike & ikes at the counter when we checked out. and no, we didn't want insurance on our rental. and yes, we WILL rewind. promise.<br />
<br />
these memories make me a little teary-eyed if I think on them long. because the little things end up being the things that memories really are made of - the things that our lives are comprised of. and I am so very lucky enough to have a wonderful family and wonderful friends and such happy, happy memories.<br />
<br />
and on top of all this nostalgia and almost an ache for the past, a conversation at dinner tonight put it all into perspective for me.<br />
<br />
a friend of mine started talking about a child who a family at her church has kind of taken in. she was saying how the boy lately has just wanted to give up. he doesn't want to try at school or attempt to reach goals, he just wants to quit. because that is the example he's been given. that is what the men in his life do.<br />
<br />
and it made me sad for him. and all the other children like him. and all the other people who might not find nostalgia wonderful. who might not like to look back on their childhood memories, because they're less than pleasant. because they don't involve trips to movie gallery or blockbuster.<br />
<br />
yes, sometimes nostalgia makes my heart ache. today I wanted to be in bryan, ohio, going on a walk with my mom, eating a homemade dinner with my family, topped off by a special recipe pumpkin cookie from chief supermarket. I wanted to rent a movie with my friends and drink pop with a twizzler straw in megan's basement. I wanted to play cards and watch a disney movie so we could walk to our cars in the dark after foolishly watching "I still know what you did last summer". I wanted to go to a high school football game, go to pizza hut afterwards, and laugh until my belly hurt. and while all these things seem simple and childish, they are so absolutely amazing it's hard to put into words how much they mean to me.<br />
<br />
and I wish everyone could have it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-34463661138448054592012-07-11T21:28:00.002-07:002012-07-11T21:28:14.317-07:00rainI work for an ag company, and thus, I have been acutely aware that most places are experiencing dry, drought-like conditions. and in case you were wondering, that's not good for our corn. or any crop, really.<br />
<br />
people just keep talking about it. I keep hearing how badly we need rain. that this is not good. plants look scorched and unnatural. it's pretty obvious -- we need rain.<br />
<br />
and so, if you live in northern alabama, like me, you've noticed we've gotten some rain.but today as I ran to my car and my baby shower gift wrap got all wet, I wasn't a huge fan. I wasn't a huge fan when I sloshed through a giant puddle and got my socks drenched (seriously...is there much worse than wet socks?). I wasn't a huge fan when I couldn't run outside and enjoy the evening. I was feeling downright grumpy about the darn rain.<br />
<br />
and then I remembered how we needed the rain.<br />
<br />
the rain makes things grow.<br />
<br />
but that doesn't mean I always like it.<br />
<br />
as I drew this comparison in my head I felt I'd learned yet another lesson in year 25 (has anyone else experienced crazy lessons/thoughts/almost maturity at this age?).<br />
<br />
in life, I am content to have it be sunny every day. actually, I prefer it that way. I want it to be nice and pretty and God-forbid if something inconveniences me. I don't want to have to deal with the rain. I don't want to have to avoid puddles and dry things off and deal with wet socks. (do I sound like I'm 5 yet? maybe I take back that maturity comment earlier...)<br />
<br />
but yet, without the rain, we shrivel. we die. we don't yield as well as we would have with rain. we don't bear good, quality fruit. we need the rain to grow. as much as I hate it.<br />
<br />
without the rain -- the hard times of life...the tears, heartbreak, loss, etc. -- we get used to the sun. we take it for granted and forget what it's like to deal with wet socks. to deal with difficulty and pain and suffering. forget what it's like to have to deal with the bottom of your pants being wet for what seems like forever (I can't stress how much I dislike that!).<br />
<br />
maybe rain and shine show us the meaning of grace. maybe if we didn't know rain, we couldn't fully appreciate the son.<br />
<br />
cause I guarantee you the next sunny day we have, I'm going outside.ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-56209941087391969202012-06-28T05:34:00.002-07:002012-06-28T05:34:17.261-07:00whilst drying my hair this morning, the thought crossed my mind that I haven't read the <a href="http://goodwomenproject.com/" target="_blank">good women project</a> in a good long while. I'm fairly certain that thought was divinely inspired. the current topic they are tackling is close to my heart right now, and I quickly stumbled upon two articles I needed to read...<br />
<a href="http://goodwomenproject.com/daily-life/done-running" target="_blank">I'm done running</a> and <a href="http://goodwomenproject.com/daily-life/burning-out-and-missing-out" target="_blank">10 things I learned about burnout and missing out</a>.<br />
<br />
I love it when God uses his followers -- even ones I have never met -- to encourage and teach me.<br />
<br />
happy thursday!<br />
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-84269195440530472472012-06-26T21:49:00.001-07:002012-06-26T21:49:10.380-07:00ruth, boaz and a sprig of adventureso...I'm doing this beyond awesome study of the book of ruth by miss kelly minter. if you haven't ever done a study by her (like me before this one!), I highly recommend it. I'd try to explain why it's so awesome, but I'm not sure I can capture it, so just trust me. kelly. pretty fab.<br />
<br />
know what else is pretty fab? the book of ruth. in studying the past week, I came across a few points that were quite convicting, exciting and scary at all the same time. kelly is discussing two characters in ruth who<i><b> </b>do not</i> steal the show. if this were a television episode, they'd be "also featured" in the subtitles or maybe even unnamed as "boy 1" or "waitress 3". actually, one of these characters really isn't given a name! kelly is talking about orpah and the other possible kinsman redeemer for ruth.<br />
<br />
these two characters do absolutely nothing wrong in this story. in fact, their actions are very similar to what I probably would have done in the situations they were in. one (orpah) was trying to be dedicated to her stepmother (naomi), but after much persuasion on naomi's part, orpah decided to stay in Moab (her home, by the way). the other (bachelor number 2, or other possible kinsman redeemer if you will), made the decision not to take on another wife and all the implications that would come with that for his family. he wasn't obligated to marry ruth, and another man was offering to do it if he did not, so he did not.<br />
<br />
these both seem like logical, normal decisions to me. decisions I could easily make. decisions I could easily be talked into by friends or family if the scenarios were true for my own life (and if polygamy and all that jazz was really still around...don't even bring up sister wives...).<br />
<br />
but yet, as kelly points out, these two are not the ones that the story is about. these are not the ones who are famous in the Bible, or used as examples of God's love and devotion to us. instead, ruth and boaz are the ones who did the unlikely and the unnatural or illogical. and the story is all about them.<br />
<br />
to steal kelly's line -- <i>they chose sacrifice and love, while the others chose safety.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
yow. that stings a bit. and sounds a bit too familiar.<br />
<br />
kelly goes on to discuss the three qualifications for a kinsman redeemer: they had to be near kin, able to redeem, and willing to redeem. (if you're not familiar with what a kinsman redeemer is, don't worry, I wasn't either. once again, I highly recommend kelly's study. or you could find it in the Bible. or google).<br />
<br />
the point is...the other possible redeemer had the first two qualities, but was not willing. and I wonder if that's a large problem in my own life. am I near people I could be helping? am I able to help them? to give them what they need? the answer to both of these is most likely yes. the third? well...that one is a little more tricky. kelly discusses this issue:<br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>And isn't it this third element that often ends up being our downfall? We're able, but so often we're just not willing. This may be one of the most tragic ways for a Christian to spend her life: in the right place with all the right resources but without a willing heart.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
she goes on later in the study (on the same day, ps...it was a rough, convicting day) to say this...<br />
<br />
<i>I used to be afraid of dedicating my life to the Lord, certain that He would seize this small window of opportunity to make my life extraordinarily hard...But I am more convinced than ever that it is not yielding my life to the Lord that is the truly awful and frightful place. I long to live the full, adventurous, and impacting life that God desires for me to live.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
I, too, long for this. reading this reminded me of old desires and a passion was stirred. I pray that God would make me willing. I pray He'd show me how he can use me. how He wants to use me. if I would only be willing.<br />
<br />
I pray for the courage to not choose the logical or normal. to not fear man. but to fear God. and to be willing.<br />
<br />
<br />ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-87093722265552676442012-06-11T21:22:00.000-07:002012-06-11T21:22:53.208-07:00sometimes I wonder how other adults seemingly have their lives figured out and how they function so maturely. sometimes I wonder how people who are my age can be married, in stable careers, and have children. sometimes I feel I can barely handle the responsibility to keep myself and a cat alive, let alone being responsible for other people. and sometimes I just really feel like I'm still in junior high, feeling uncool and the last kid chosen for dodgeball. <br />
<br />
do you ever have times where you are so aware of your humanity? all your insecurities and past struggles surface, or you feel like everything you touch goes to ruin? <br />
<br />
I was recently with some of my favorite friends, and whilst sitting and chatting, one girl paid me a compliment. it was something simple -- she stated she liked my hair color (it's a smidge darker than it used to be). I, in turn, rambled on about how I had dyed it, so it wouldn't last this way for long, and that of course it would wash out because I am afraid of commitment after all. upon finishing this little rant, my friend stared at me and said "I forgot ashley can't take compliments". boom. <br />
<br />
we laughed about this comment and I have since come to realize it's true. and also, that when someone pays me a compliment, I tend to doubt its truthfulness or sincerity. <br />
<br />
I'm not sure where this insecurity comes from, but I've recently realized it's still there -- just as real as junior high. I thought it was one of those things that would dissipate with age, a college degree, a good job. and I wonder how many other "adults" still struggle. how many other adults feel left out or undesirable or uncool, even when they're 40 or 50 or 60. <br />
<br />
and this makes me all the more sure that security and value can never come from anything we obtain in this world. it can only come from our Creator. only comes from the love of our Savior. and it's a lesson that just might take a lifetime to learn, but it is truth. <br />
<br />
things I'm thankful for: loving parents, the fact that I don't wonder where my next meal is coming from, sweat pants.ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-36194011321585696152012-06-07T21:55:00.000-07:002012-06-07T21:55:32.574-07:00do nothing...do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourselves. - philippians 2: 3<br />
<br />
I have a tendency to strive for things. things that fuel my pride. I want to perform well so people will notice and say, <i>hey, ashley is pretty darn good at xyz. </i>I want a good job/career so people will know I am smart. established. respected. I want people to <i>like </i>me.<br />
<br />
it's all a cycle that boils down to pride. and fearing man.<br />
<br />
and it keeps coming up lately -- the idea of loving others. the idea that I must put others before myself. and what that <i><b>really</b></i> means. because what it really means isn't just church. isn't just helping with a few community service projects. I think what it really means is stepping outside my comfort zone. in daily life, doing things that aren't what I necessarily feel like doing. changing my comfortable, normal routine and lowering myself. I am nothing. not in a "I have low self-esteem way", but in a "compared to the entire world and my significance" way. if any spotlight is on me in my life, then it is not on Christ - for others to see, but even for me to see and realize.<br />
<br />
the above verse is a hard verse for me to swallow. really? do NOTHING out of selfish ambition or vain conceit? nothinggg? sheesh. you drive a hard bargain, Lord.<br />
<br />
ps - I am thankful for: the fact that Jesus never stops pursuing us, even when we have failed numerous times. that I have friends who fist pump for Jesus. that the King of the universe wants a relationship with me.ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-81863181547723504302012-05-22T20:37:00.000-07:002012-05-22T20:37:31.547-07:00dear younger sisterit's been coming up in conversation a lot lately. or maybe not explicitly in all conversations, but it arises in my mind. seeps in through my subconscious as we chatter about days at work, upcoming plans and new happenings in our lives. <i>comparison</i>.<br />
<br />
if it is possible to struggle with this idea from the womb, I think I have. if not, I sadly do not remember the first time I thought to myself "her hair is pretty...I wish MY hair looked like that". my 1 year-old self was probably comparing my onesies to all the other onesies from my stroller.<br />
<br />
but it's a toxic game to play, the game of comparing. it's a game where you always lose, which is certainly disheartening. as the cliche' goes, there is always someone who is better, faster, stronger...or in my case - prettier, smarter, funnier. but really...it's all apples to oranges, right? because who says long blonde straight hair is better than short, curly brown hair? and who says a size 0 is better than a size 14?<br />
<br />
I'll tell you who <i>doesn't</i>....our <b>creator</b>. as a friend of mine once said in so many words...how do you think it makes God feel to hear you say His creation (YOU) is crap? not good enough? doesn't measure up? sorry Lord, but I really think you could've done better. sorry CREATOR OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, those mountains and stars and rainbows and heavens you created are stellar, but you screwed up on the thing I see in the mirror.<br />
<br />
silly convo, huh?<br />
<br />
a wonderful friend was requesting notes on our value for a camp she is a counselor at for 3rd and 4th grade girls. after having this on my heart and receiving her message, this is my letter to those girls.<i> (to myself, too)</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>Dear sister, <o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>Do you know how valuable you are? How precious? God created
YOU in His image. He knows the amount of hairs on YOUR head. There is no one
like YOU in the entire world. In the entire history of existence. Nor will
there be in all the years to come. <o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>Which reminds me, in math, they teach you not to compare
apples to oranges. This is a valuable life lesson, sister. It is an easy pit to
fall into – comparing yourself to your other sisters. I have fallen into this
same trap and will tell you where it leads: nowhere. Actually, quite worse. It
leads to heartache. To disappointment and discontentment. To a horrible sense
of self-deprecation, self-doubt, even self-loathing. <o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>The creator of the universe, the Lord of all, the God who is
bigger than we can even comprehend has created YOU just the way YOU are. No one
else can take that role. So just remember when you wish you looked more like
Miley Cyrus or your hair resembled Jennifer Anniston’s or you could dance like Beyonce’ –remember
sweet sister, that this God created you to be exactly YOU. That you – the only
you –can play a part in this world only YOU can play. Only you can tell the
jokes you tell, have the same interests and talents as you, have your hair,
your freckles, your eyes. <o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>There’s no use comparing apples to oranges. It is a math
equation that doesn’t add up to anything or make any sense. Oranges are
completely different than apples, but yet both are unique and wonderful in
their own ways. Don’t forget that your value doesn’t hinge on anyone else’s
accomplishments or words or opinions. God created you. He loves you. And THAT
gives you incomprehensible value. <o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>Love, <o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>Your still-learning sister</i></b><o:p></o:p></div>ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-53127629806413273662012-05-01T16:05:00.002-07:002012-05-01T17:07:11.756-07:00memory verselast year, I joined beth moore in a challenge of memorizing a piece of scripture every 15 days. it was truly an awesome time of spiritual growth and discipline. discipline faded, and I did not keep up with it, but I'd like to do it again...<br />
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because when I first heard of the memory verse idea, I thought of sunday school classes and reciting john 3:16 to get a gold star sticker. <br />
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but actually doing it was quite different. as an adult, it was truly like armor. when the world fed me lies, I could combat with the Bible's truths. God's truths. <br />
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and lately, as I have been struggling with those lies from the world, I find myself being self-absorbed and so focused on my own little world. I have not been loving well. or really, loving at all. I am going to meditate on this verse, turn it over in my mind, and hopefully allow it to penetrate my soul. become part of who I am. more like Christ. <br />
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"above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." - 1 peter 4:3ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-9260421915554317922012-04-09T20:39:00.000-07:002012-04-09T20:39:35.406-07:00to those who wait...lyrics courtesy of bethany dillon...<br />
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<em>I am waiting on You,<br />
I am waiting on You.<br />
You say You’re good to those who wait.<br />
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My heart’s discouraged,<br />
So I come to You expectant. <br />
You say You’re good to those who wait. <br />
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Lord, today You know what I need to do,<br />
But You can do more in my waiting than in my doing I could do.<br />
So I won’t run anymore.<br />
I’m waiting on You.<br />
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Oh, wretched man that I am!<br />
Free me from my distractions.<br />
You say You’re good to those who wait. <br />
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Then confession and repentance<br />
Find me in the quiet.<br />
You say You’re good to those who wait.<br />
Now I know You’re good to those who wait.<br />
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Lord, today You know what I need to do,<br />
But You can do more in my waiting than in my doing I could do.<br />
So I won’t run anymore.<br />
I’m waiting on You.</em><br />
<em>Oh, my soul,<br />
Wait upon the Lord.<br />
Keep your lamp filled with oil.<br />
Oh, my soul,<br />
Be not deceived!<br />
Wait for Him.<br />
Don’t be quick to leave.<br />
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Lord, today You know what I need to do,<br />
But You can do more in my waiting than in my doing I could do.<br />
So I won’t run anymore.<br />
I’m waiting on You.<!-- end of lyrics --></em>ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-9034906178618554592012-03-27T20:39:00.000-07:002012-03-27T20:39:02.858-07:00letters from the Lord and thin spreadsJesus called me this morning and He had some good things to say (weird, huh?). <br />
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<strong><em>Be still in my presence, even though countless tasks clamor for your attention. Nothing is as important as spending time with me. While you wait in My Presence, I do My best work within you: transforming you by the renewing of your mind. </em></strong><br />
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-Jesus Calling (Sarah Young)<br />
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this truly was perfect for today. last night I restlessly tried to sleep, tasks and worries of the world swimming in my head. I felt suffocated and trapped. and then I got up and read this. wowza. <br />
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there are many things I think God is teaching me in this season of my life right now. this crazy, run from one thing to the next, take a deep breath at the end of the day and gear up for the next day kind of season. right now if I had to write myself a note to remember in a year or two, or even in a month or two, it would say: <em>don't spread yourself so thin.</em> just because you physically CAN do something (i.e. you physically can attend 5 classes and take on a new job) doesn't mean you should. doesn't mean it's in your best interest. doesn't mean it won't significantly decrease your quality of life. <br />
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because when you are spread too thin, you are no good. to anyone. think about the visual image of it...who wants a piece of toast with just a smidge of peanut butter on it (yes, I like peanut butter on my toast. om nom nom)? no one (unless they're watching their weight...and once again...where's the joy in that?). every bite of that toast would be sub-par. the same is true of what you're involved in when you're spread too thin. <br />
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last night as I felt myself getting tense and overwhelmed, I realized I was also frustrated because I am not excelling in any area right now. work, school, relationships...all are being compromised. all are getting by, but barely. not well. and well...that's just not how I like it. and not how we were created. I think God created us with specific gifts. maybe one reason we don't individually have ALL the gifts is because He didn't want us trying to do EVERYTHING. maybe He was protecting us in this, among other things. <br />
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as I re-read Jesus Calling, I realized the use of the word <em>wait. <strong>While you wait in My Presence, I do My best work within you. </strong></em><br />
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seems almost like a weird word for this topic. talking about taking the time to spend time with God every day. carving out that time. in my mind, it seems like a "do" item, rather than a "wait" item. maybe that's what makes it hard. in all this "do"ing, and task-accomplishing, the hardest thing to do is "wait". the hardest thing to "do" is seemingly nothing. isn't it? <br />
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I've been struggling with patience, but I guess as we wait, He refines us. He molds us in the waiting. even if we don't see it. even if it's painful. even if it doesn't seem like we're growing, changing. <br />
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as evidenced by my last post, I really can't wait for may. I can't wait for this semester to be over. I can't wait to make the decision to not spread myself too thin. but I guess I really can. and I guess I will. and what better place to wait than in His presence?ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-9086843106546493332012-03-26T10:59:00.000-07:002012-03-26T10:59:31.492-07:00dear may 3rd...dear may 3rd...<br />
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please come hastily. bring passed classes, more free time, and less stress. hurry, sweet day, for I am impatient. I promise to celebrate your coming with fro yo, car dancing, and the windows down. <br />
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xoxo, <br />
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ashleyashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815679280150215141.post-30271290401256122592012-02-29T21:28:00.000-08:002012-02-29T21:28:15.332-08:00in making changes in my life lately, I've had a few moments of fear. and in those moments, I found myself asking a lot of "what if's". <br />
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it's almost a smidge ironic that these changes have occurred so close to me turning 25. <br />
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<em>what does this year of my life hold? what if I've made the wrong choice? what if I can't handle the choices I've made? what if I can't do my job? what if I let everyone down? what if everything changes? what if nothing changes?</em><br />
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...and then a wonderful and inspiring e-mail showed up in my inbox...coincidence? well...we know how I feel about that. <br />
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this is a part of a story from <a href="http://www.holleygerth.com/heart-to-heart-with-holley/2012/2/17/7-secrets-to-overcoming-fear-1-go-there.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+dayspring%2FaSfH+%28Heart+to+Heart+with+Holley%29" target="_blank"><span style="color: purple;"><strong>this</strong></span></a> site (which will send you e-mails if you want, clearly).<br />
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holley talks about her attempt to face a fear: cleaning the dryer vent. <br />
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she confesses how she got so flustered when imagining the monster dust bunny that might come out of that vent, she fell right over. here are the wise thoughts that followed:<br />
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<em>Because my life is one big analogy, I found myself pondering the dust bunny as I laid in bed that night. While my skinny jeans got covered in fluff, no real harm was done. I just felt like I'd been attacked by a killer rabbit. <strong>My reaction didn't match the reality.</strong></em><br />
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<em>It's often the same way with fear. What we imagine is often far worse than what comes to be. And even if it does happen, we discover we're more resilient than we ever knew (and God is more faithful too). But the only way to find that out is to stare fear in the face and let it explode all over of us is needed. Not what we fear but the fear itself--which many times turns out to be worse.</em><br />
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<em>What are you really afraid of?</em><br />
<em>And if that happened, then what?</em><br />
<em>And what about after that?</em><br />
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<em>Keep going until you've gone all the way down the pipe of your fear and pulled every little bit back out. Then hold it in your hands and see if you've got a killer rabbit or a dust bunny. You might even find yourself laughing a bit about what you thought was in there.</em><br />
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<em>The secret is not letting all of that fear grow in the dark. </em><br />
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<em>Then stand up, wipe off your skinny jeans, hand it all to God and go out there and change the world...</em><br />
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thanks holley. I needed to hear that. <br />
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I'm a worrier and my dad would always try to reason with me growing up.<em> what's the worst that could happen? </em>he'd ask. and honestly, even though sometimes the worst that could happen seemed crummy, it never seemed life-altering. or at least life-ending. at the end of the day, truth was still truth, and all was still well. forever. <br />
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health factoid: don't eat polar bear liver, in case you were wanting to try it. apparently it has toxic doses of vitamin a. no good.ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05724612831015168472noreply@blogger.com1