rain

I work for an ag company, and thus, I have been acutely aware that most places are experiencing dry, drought-like conditions. and in case you were wondering, that's not good for our corn. or any crop, really.

people just keep talking about it. I keep hearing how badly we need rain. that this is not good.  plants look scorched and unnatural. it's pretty obvious -- we need rain.

and so, if you live in northern alabama, like me, you've noticed we've gotten some rain.but today as I ran to my car and my baby shower gift wrap got all wet, I wasn't a huge fan. I wasn't a huge fan when I sloshed through a giant puddle and got my socks drenched (seriously...is there much worse than wet socks?). I wasn't a huge fan when I couldn't run outside and enjoy the evening. I was feeling downright grumpy about the darn rain.

and then I remembered how we needed the rain.

the rain makes things grow.

but that doesn't mean I always like it.

as I drew this comparison in my head I felt I'd learned yet another lesson in year 25 (has anyone else experienced crazy lessons/thoughts/almost maturity at this age?).

in life, I am content to have it be sunny every day. actually, I prefer it that way. I want it to be nice and pretty and God-forbid if something inconveniences me. I don't want to have to deal with the rain. I don't want to have to avoid puddles and dry things off and deal with wet socks. (do I sound like I'm 5 yet? maybe I take back that maturity comment earlier...)

but yet, without the rain, we shrivel. we die. we don't yield as well as we would have with rain. we don't bear good, quality fruit. we need the rain to grow. as much as I hate it.

without the rain -- the hard times of life...the tears, heartbreak, loss, etc. -- we get used to the sun. we take it for granted and forget what it's like to deal with wet socks. to deal with difficulty and pain and suffering. forget what it's like to have to deal with the bottom of your pants being wet for what seems like forever (I can't stress how much I dislike that!).

maybe rain and shine show us the meaning of grace. maybe if we didn't know rain, we couldn't fully appreciate the son.

cause I guarantee you the next sunny day we have, I'm going outside.

whilst drying my hair this morning, the thought crossed my mind that I haven't read the good women project in a good long while. I'm fairly certain that thought was divinely inspired. the current topic they are tackling is close to my heart right now, and I quickly stumbled upon two articles I needed to read...
I'm done running and 10 things I learned about burnout and missing out.

I love it when God uses his followers -- even ones I have never met -- to encourage and teach me.

happy thursday!

ruth, boaz and a sprig of adventure

so...I'm doing this beyond awesome study of the book of ruth by miss kelly minter. if you haven't ever  done a study by her (like me before this one!), I highly recommend it. I'd try to explain why it's so awesome, but I'm not sure I can capture it, so just trust me. kelly. pretty fab.

know what else is pretty fab? the book of ruth. in studying the past week, I came across a few points that were quite convicting, exciting and scary at all the same time. kelly is discussing two characters in ruth who do not steal the show. if this were a television episode, they'd be "also featured" in the subtitles or maybe even unnamed as "boy 1" or "waitress 3". actually, one of these characters really isn't given a name! kelly is talking about orpah and the other possible kinsman redeemer for ruth.

these two characters do absolutely nothing wrong in this story. in fact, their actions are very similar to what I probably would have done in the situations they were in. one (orpah) was trying to be dedicated to her stepmother (naomi), but after much persuasion on naomi's part, orpah decided to stay in Moab (her home, by the way). the other (bachelor number 2, or other possible kinsman redeemer if you will), made the decision not to take on another wife and all the implications that would come with that for his family. he wasn't obligated to marry ruth, and another man was offering to do it if he did not, so he did not.

these both seem like logical, normal decisions to me. decisions I could easily make. decisions I could easily be talked into by friends or family if the scenarios were true for my own life (and if polygamy and all that jazz was really still around...don't even bring up sister wives...).

but yet, as kelly points out, these two are not the ones that the story is about. these are not the ones who are famous in the Bible, or used as examples of God's love and devotion to us. instead, ruth and boaz are the ones who did the unlikely and the unnatural or illogical. and the story is all about them.

to steal kelly's line -- they chose sacrifice and love, while the others chose safety.


yow. that stings a bit. and sounds a bit too familiar.

kelly goes on to discuss the three qualifications for a kinsman redeemer: they had to be near kin, able to redeem, and willing to redeem. (if you're not familiar with what a kinsman redeemer is, don't worry, I wasn't either. once again, I highly recommend kelly's study. or you could find it in the Bible. or google).

 the point is...the other possible redeemer had the first two qualities, but was not willing. and I wonder if that's a large problem in my own life. am I near people I could be helping? am I able to help them? to give them what they need? the answer to both of these is most likely yes. the third? well...that one is a little more tricky. kelly discusses this issue:


And isn't it this third element that often ends up being our downfall? We're able, but so often we're just not willing. This may be one of the most tragic ways for a Christian to spend her life: in the right place with all the right resources but without a willing heart.


she goes on later in the study (on the same day, ps...it was a rough, convicting day) to say this...

I used to be afraid of dedicating my life to the Lord, certain that He would seize this small window of opportunity to make my life extraordinarily hard...But I am more convinced than ever that it is not yielding my life to the Lord that is the truly awful and frightful place. I long to live the full, adventurous, and impacting life that God desires for me to live.


I, too, long for this. reading this reminded me of old desires and a passion was stirred. I pray that God would make me willing. I pray He'd show me how he can use me. how He wants to use me. if I would only be willing.

I pray for the courage to not choose the logical or normal. to not fear man. but to fear God. and to be willing.

sometimes I wonder how other adults seemingly have their lives figured out and how they function so maturely. sometimes I wonder how people who are my age can be married, in stable careers, and have children. sometimes I feel I can barely handle the responsibility to keep myself and a cat alive, let alone being responsible for other people. and sometimes I just really feel like I'm still in junior high, feeling uncool and the last kid chosen for dodgeball.

do you ever have times where you are so aware of your humanity? all your insecurities and past struggles surface, or you feel like everything you touch goes to ruin?

I was recently with some of my favorite friends, and whilst sitting and chatting, one girl paid me a compliment. it was something simple -- she stated she liked my hair color (it's a smidge darker than it used to be). I, in turn, rambled on about how I had dyed it, so it wouldn't last this way for long, and that of course it would wash out because I am afraid of commitment after all. upon finishing this little rant, my friend stared at me and said "I forgot ashley can't take compliments". boom.

we laughed about this comment and I have since come to realize it's true. and also, that when someone pays me a compliment, I tend to doubt its truthfulness or sincerity.

I'm not sure where this insecurity comes from, but I've recently realized it's still there -- just as real as junior high. I thought it was one of those things that would dissipate with age, a college degree, a good job. and I wonder how many other "adults" still struggle. how many other adults feel left out or undesirable or uncool, even when they're 40 or 50 or 60.

and this makes me all the more sure that security and value can never come from anything we obtain in this world. it can only come from our Creator. only comes from the love of our Savior. and it's a lesson that just might take a lifetime to learn, but it is truth.

things I'm thankful for: loving parents, the fact that I don't wonder where my next meal is coming from, sweat pants.

do nothing...

do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourselves. - philippians 2: 3

I have a tendency to strive for things. things that fuel my pride. I want to perform well so people will notice and say, hey, ashley is pretty darn good at xyz. I want a good job/career so people will know I am smart. established. respected. I want people to like me.

it's all a cycle that boils down to pride. and fearing man.

and it keeps coming up lately -- the idea of loving others. the idea that I must put others before myself. and what that really means. because what it really means isn't just church. isn't just helping with a few community service projects. I think what it really means is stepping outside my comfort zone. in daily life, doing things that aren't what I necessarily feel like doing. changing my comfortable, normal routine and lowering myself. I am nothing. not in a "I have low self-esteem way", but in a "compared to the entire world and my significance" way. if any spotlight is on me in my life, then it is not on Christ - for others to see, but even for me to see and realize.

the above verse is a hard verse for me to swallow. really? do NOTHING out of selfish ambition or vain conceit? nothinggg? sheesh. you drive a hard bargain, Lord.

ps - I am thankful for: the fact that Jesus never stops pursuing us, even when we have failed numerous times. that I have friends who fist pump for Jesus. that the King of the universe wants a relationship with me.

dear younger sister

it's been coming up in conversation a lot lately. or maybe not explicitly in all conversations, but it arises in my mind. seeps in through my subconscious as we chatter about days at work, upcoming plans and new happenings in our lives. comparison.

if it is possible to struggle with this idea from the womb, I think I have. if not, I sadly do not remember the first time I thought to myself "her hair is pretty...I wish MY hair looked like that". my  1 year-old self was probably comparing my onesies to all the other onesies from my stroller.

but it's a toxic game to play, the game of comparing. it's a game where you always lose, which is certainly disheartening. as the cliche' goes, there is always someone who is better, faster, stronger...or in my case - prettier, smarter, funnier. but really...it's all apples to oranges, right? because who says long blonde straight hair is better than short, curly brown hair? and who says a size 0 is better than a size 14?

I'll tell you who doesn't....our creator. as a friend of mine once said in so many words...how do you think it makes God feel to hear you say His creation (YOU) is crap? not good enough? doesn't measure up? sorry Lord, but I really think you could've done better. sorry CREATOR OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, those mountains and stars and rainbows and heavens you created are stellar, but you screwed up on the thing I see in the mirror.

silly convo, huh?

a wonderful friend was requesting notes on our value for a camp she is a counselor at for 3rd and 4th grade girls. after having this on my heart and receiving her message, this is my letter to those girls. (to myself, too)

Dear sister,

Do you know how valuable you are? How precious? God created YOU in His image. He knows the amount of hairs on YOUR head. There is no one like YOU in the entire world. In the entire history of existence. Nor will there be in all the years to come.

Which reminds me, in math, they teach you not to compare apples to oranges. This is a valuable life lesson, sister. It is an easy pit to fall into – comparing yourself to your other sisters. I have fallen into this same trap and will tell you where it leads: nowhere. Actually, quite worse. It leads to heartache. To disappointment and discontentment. To a horrible sense of self-deprecation, self-doubt, even self-loathing.

The creator of the universe, the Lord of all, the God who is bigger than we can even comprehend has created YOU just the way YOU are. No one else can take that role. So just remember when you wish you looked more like Miley Cyrus or your hair resembled Jennifer Anniston’s  or you could dance like Beyonce’ –remember sweet sister, that this God created you to be exactly YOU. That you – the only you –can play a part in this world only YOU can play. Only you can tell the jokes you tell, have the same interests and talents as you, have your hair, your freckles, your eyes.

There’s no use comparing apples to oranges. It is a math equation that doesn’t add up to anything or make any sense. Oranges are completely different than apples, but yet both are unique and wonderful in their own ways. Don’t forget that your value doesn’t hinge on anyone else’s accomplishments or words or opinions. God created you. He loves you. And THAT gives you incomprehensible value.

Love,

Your still-learning sister

memory verse

last year, I joined beth moore in a challenge of memorizing a piece of scripture every 15 days. it was truly an awesome time of spiritual growth and discipline. discipline faded, and I did not keep up with it, but I'd like to do it again...

because when I first heard of the memory verse idea, I thought of sunday school classes and reciting john 3:16 to get a gold star sticker.

but actually doing it was quite different. as an adult, it was truly like armor. when the world fed me lies, I could combat with the Bible's truths. God's truths.

and lately, as I have been struggling with those lies from the world, I find myself being self-absorbed and so focused on my own little world. I have not been loving well. or really, loving at all. I am going to meditate on this verse, turn it over in my mind, and hopefully allow it to penetrate my soul. become part of who I am. more like Christ.

"above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." - 1 peter 4:3